Do any of these statements feel familiar to you?
“I feel like I’m living with two different people, one day they love me more than anyone in the world, the next day I am the cause of all their pain.”
“I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around them. Anything I say may cause an explosion”
“They tell me my feelings matter, but their actions don’t reflect that.”
“I sometimes feel like no matter how carefully I state my boundaries, they are disregarded.”
“I am told I am selfish because I want something different.”
“I am afraid to set limits because of what they might do.”
“They can binge Netflix all weekend, but I don’t want to.”
“ They threaten to hurt themself if I leave them, which scares me because they have hurt themselves before”
“I have seen them cut people out of their life, even their ex-best friend, so I don’t want that to happen to me.”
“The good times are so intensely passionate, will I ever feel something this good with anyone else?”
“Their opinions seem to change depending on who they surround themselves with at the moment.”
“They think everyone is picking on them, including me.”
“They freak out on me if I have to change our plans unexpectedly.”
“When They are angry with me, they can use very hurtful words, but they don't understand when I tell them they hurt me.”
“Is it me? Is there something I could do better to communicate? Am I being unreasonable / uncaring / selfish?”
These are all good questions that we should ask ourselves whenever there is conflict in our relationships. However, when you have been asking yourself questions like these, but cannot seem to make effective changes, then it is time to examine the entire relationship dynamic. It is not helpful to diagnose, blame or shame another person, but rather to open up the possibility that you are interacting with a person who thinks very differently than yourself.
If you are open to that possibility, then we can change the way you interact with them in order to improve the relationship for both of you.
It is normal for conflict to arise when people encounter differences in their perspectives, needs and wants. A healthy relationship, with a coworker, friend, family, or partner, acknowledges both sides and works cooperatively to ensure all parties have what they need to maintain the relationship. When one side is consistently sacrificing their needs to the other, the relationship becomes untenable, it can be unhealthy and unsafe as well. However, it is important to recognize that you cannot control the other person in your relationship, you can only control your own behavior. So, what can you do?
Therapy can focus on ways to improve the relationship, by addressing your thoughts and behaviors, such as:
Many people use polite (passive) language which leaves too much room for argument, often diverting the conversation to nitpick the details rather than focusing on the boundary being stated. Here is an example: “I really try to pick up your calls at work, and I really want to, but it is very hard for me, because I am a teacher and am often standing in front of a classroom full of students. The principal does not like me to leave the students unattended to step into the hall, even if it is important” A mental health professional may work with you to draft a script that is clear and concise, such as
“I do not pick up personal calls while I am at work. If you need to reach me urgently, you can text me the reason for calling, then call me to leave a detailed voicemail. I will call you back as soon as I am able.”
The first time you hear a direct statement it may seem harsh, unkind or impolite, however it is important to keep in mind that there is a difference between being unkind, and being direct. The reason we encourage this format is to prevent the other person from engaging in discussion, argument or misunderstanding that often follows a passive statement. Direct language actually improves the relationship in the long run, by avoiding further conflict and misunderstandings. It can be challenging to use a different communication style for fear that the other person will respond negatively. A mental health professional can support you throughout the transitional period, and help to both find and keep the peace.
When you are interacting with a person who struggles to see your perspective, you may concede more often, in order to “keep the peace”. This results in a lose-win situation for you, rather than a win-win for both of you. Certainly we want to walk away from arguments that are just not worth the damage done to the relationship, but if you are always sacrificing your needs, this can breed resentment, distrust and other unhealthy dynamics that are not sustainable . De-escalation techniques, such as active listening, help the other person to feel heard and to calm down, so that you have a better chance of being able to express your need. Listening and affirming what the other person says is not the same as agreeing with them! For example, you could say,
“I understand that you were upset that I would not pick up the phone when you called”
This statement is not agreeing, nor is it apologizing for your actions which do not need to be defended. It is simply a reflection of what they said. Once the person is confident that they have been heard and understood, then you can add something such as
“and if it happens again, I will call you back as soon as I am able.”
It’s important not to cast blame (e.g. “you know that is an unreasonable expectation for me”) because blame makes it difficult for a person to hear what you are saying. Or to make promises that sacrifice your own needs (e.g. “okay, you are important, so I will try to pick up the phone when you call.”) These statements will set you up for failure and future disagreements. Please keep in mind that this is only one example of how a mental health professional can refine conflict resolution skills to help you get your needs met more often.
Neural networks get stronger the more you use them, just as a muscle does. The practice of Mindfulness cultivates the ability to watch your mind at work, noticing thoughts that are happening and the feelings that are coming up, as well as physical sensations in the body. When you are able to notice, without judgment, without trying to change the experience, then you have the ability, or “space” to decide how you want to respond to whatever is happening in that moment. For example, you may notice that a coworker has just told you that they have not completed their part of the project that is due tomorrow. You notice that your face is getting warm, your palms are starting to sweat, your heart is beating a bit faster, thoughts are popping up like “why are you letting me down?” Or “you had all week to do this, now we will both look bad!” and you observe that the feelings that are arising are frustration, anxiety, and irritability. Instead of acting on the feelings and responding to the thoughts, you can choose to first take actions to reduce the physical sensations such as take a deep breath, loosen your hands, soften your eyes (these only take a few seconds to complete), then you can change the thoughts to something more helpful such as “she is usually on time, so something unusual must have happened, she is not trying to mess me up.” Those changes in the physical response and thoughts influence the feelings, making them less intense, allowing you to consider your response.
Distress tolerance begins with awareness of where you hold emotion in your body. Do your hands sweat, perhaps you make fists, get nauseous or your stomach tightens, does your jaw clench, or shoulders come up to your ears,or perhaps you hold your breath? Physical responses heighten emotional responses, learning to notice and intentionally loosen your body, to breathe deeply and slowly, will help you to regulate your emotional responses. Being able to “ride the waves” of emotion helps to improve interactions that might otherwise get heated or result in negative emotions.
We can develop specific strategies for exiting challenging situations quickly without adding fuel to the fire. These strategies build on the distress awareness, adding a plan for changing your situation when the distress is reaching a critical level. A mental health professional may use solution focused therapy or role-play to develop and practice strategies that you can use when you are stressed. Stress shuts down critical thinking, therefore practicing in session before you need the skills is important.
Our bodies have natural mechanisms that counteract the stress response, also called the fight, flight or freeze response. Humans have been using many of these techniques for centuries, such as diaphragmatic breathing. Anyone who has taken a yoga class will recognize that practice. Other simple techniques such as yawning, bearing down on your pelvic muscles or using your peripheral vision can stimulate your Vagus nerves which activate your Parasympathetic Nervous System, the antidote to your Sympathetic Nervous System. There is much more that a mental health professional can teach you about the biology of stress and anxiety, as well as ways to reclaim your nervous system when it is hijacked by triggers.
Self-talk or internal narratives are so important because they affect the way you feel about situations, which in turn affects your behavior. Thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all inter-related, but we can intercede in this relationship to make positive changes. For example thinking “I am to blame for this” can leave you feeling bad about yourself whereas a more helpful thought could be “I am making change where I can” . Another example may be thinking “this will never get better” which may not leave a lot of room for hopefulness, instead reframing the thought to be“as long as I am trying things may change”
Self-care is perhaps an overused term in our popular culture, but that belies how important it is to mental health and well-being. If we are depleted, an empty vessel, then we have nothing to give to the relationship. We often believe that sleep or TV time alone is enough to restore ourselves to full-functioning. Although those things are good for us (in moderation) we need to actively engage in activities that stimulate our bodies to produce hormones that are helpful to our body and brain. Activities that are evidence-based include moderate aerobic exercise, or making something creative, such as gardening, art, music, writing, baking or cooking. Socializing, talking with friends and family, not only feels good, it stimulates our bodies to produce Oxytocin, often called the bonding hormone. Interestingly, Oxytocin is inversely related to Cortisol, the stress hormone. The research is very clear that humans need to restore themselves using self-care strategies in order to improve mood and a sense of well-being. Stable and improved moods help maintain better relationships.
If you want to learn more, I encourage you to contact me through this website, or reach out to a certified mental health professional in your area for support. I wish you well on your mental health journey!
Anita
